Find Your Inner Yogi

I set off to explore my inner self again this weekend, as I partook in something I’ve been avoiding lately- a hot yoga class. Now before all you yogis get too excited, know that I’m a big fan of yoga, I just don’t see a need to perform it in a room that feels like the Sahara. I’ve been practicing for almost ten years and find the exercises calming and beneficial. But as I sat in preparation for my class, I couldn’t help but find the humor in the room. I felt that newbies would probably need a guide to hot yoga, so I’ve created one below. A special shout out to http://www.abc-of-yoga.com for their excellent yoga pictures.

1.      Upon entering the yoga studio, you immediately scoff as the 98% humidity enters your lungs, accompanied by the whoosh of 99°. I recommend showing up a smidge early to acclimate to this hellish environment that will surround you for the next 60 minutes.

2.      Depending on the studio, your class might get packed pretty tightly. Place your mat in a spot that says, “Please don’t sit by me,” because soon your body will be dripping sweat and you don’t want to get splattered. “Is it this gross?” you’re thinking, and the answer is yes, it is. Your instructor might begin by telling you to find your third eye- just smile, hold your hands in a prayer pose, and nod knowingly. You still get a good workout even if you can’t find your connection to Mother Earth.

3.      Class will begin with a series of poses and vin-yah-sahs (I like to think of creative sanskrit spellings). Everything is going great- you are stretching, balancing, and breathing! Yoga is based a lot on breathing, which is the hardest part for me. First, whenever they are chanting, “Inhale…Exhale…Inhale…” I’m always doing the opposite. Then I start hyperventilating trying to get caught up- like the heat wasn’t making light headed enough. Sometimes they make you do ooo-jah-eee breathing where you have to make this weird loud noise. I literally cannot make myself do this, it’s just silly and I don’t buy into the praise the instructor gives those who do it really loud.

4.      After about 20 minutes the heat really starts to get to you. You are attempting to do poses like Warrior I:

But the real workout is coming from trying not to slip on your sweaty feet. Then they try and get you into Crow:

At which point you’re like, “Wow, I never knew my knees and elbows could sweat until I tried to hold this pose.” Then, when you’re all “warmed up” and pliable they make you do Plow:

Which feels more to me like choking on your boobs. All hopes of ooo-jah-ee are gone.

5.      So now you’re pretty much melting and wondering what time it is. You glance to your side and notice that the shirtless man next to you is literally dripping all over the place with sweat. Then the instructor says, “Are you hot? Just blow out the heat with your breathing.” If you slapped them right then it would really mess with the chi of the room, so just towel off and get a drink of your now hot water.

6.      Finally comes the best part of class- final sa-vah-sa-nah. You get to lay down and tell yourself positive affirmations. If you’re lucky you’ll get a nice cool, scented towel from your instructor. Try to enjoy the position before you run out to take that first sip of fresh air. There is literally nothing better than the feeling of that first breath after class. And now, you’ve done it! Go forth and spread your Namaste-ness.