Rats with Wings

I have an abnormal fear of birds. I say this is abnormal, because when most people think of birds they think of a delicate swan gliding across a lake, or an eagle soaring through the sky. What I see is a live weapon threatening my safety. I mean, let’s think about this, birds are really flipping scary.

1.       Their bodies are literally made like weapons. They have sharp beaks which they use to either crack open seeds or tear the skin off of their prey. Scary. They have crazy claws that can wrap around anything with their superhuman strength, and oh yeah usually those claws are sharp. Scary. Finally the dreaded wings. Wings that flap and could possibly hit or bitch slap you. Yet again, scary.

2.       Birds are carriers of disease. They eat things and then fly around from place to place spreading nastiness to the world. Can you honestly say that you want to touch something that a dirty bird has touched?

3.       Birds are uncontrollable. You can train a dog to sit, stay, and roll over. However birds are unable to understand these commands. They are unruly and erratic and could swoop in for the kill at any moment. There is nothing scarier than driving in your car and having a flock fly over as if they were enemy planes on the attack. Actually, there is something scarier-being exposed in the open air when they come squawking overhead.

I maintain that my fear of birds is probably abnormal, but I’m going to go ahead and say it’s also pretty legit.