Sunday, April 6, 2014

My Anxious Life



I've recently been reading this book called My Age of Anxiety. I originally saw it featured in a magazine and laughed with my friend saying that we should probably both read it as we have some "issues" with anxiety. Well, my friends, I'm here to sing the praises of this book because it pretty much blew my mind. The book is a mixture of the author's personal experiences dealing with extreme anxiety, a history of the research that has been done on the topic, and a slew of stories about other people who have dealt with anxiety. I quickly learned that my experiences are nowhere near what are described in the book, but that there are reasons behind some of my nervous tendencies.  The author talks a lot about exposure therapy to help treat your anxiety, so here's my stab at it. Note: Sharing my anxiety with everyone is making me very anxious. :)

Let's start with my self-diagnosis. I have social anxiety, mainly when forced into new social situations. I think most people that know me would be surprised that I feel uncomfortable in social situations. I've always had a group of good friends and I'm very outgoing and unafraid to say my feelings...with people that I know. When meeting new people I tend to be more cautious. The irony is that I become more and more anxious as I try and cover up that I'm anxious. Obscure thoughts run through my head like, "People are judging my outfit and thinking I'm annoying," or "What can I say next to make sure the conversation doesn't go into a dull lull?" As I've gotten older, I feel like I've gotten better at calming myself down if this type of situation occurs, simply because I give less of a shit what people think. I've found that a little positive self talk goes a long way in determining which social situations truly warrant stress and anxiety.

The other type of anxiety that I suffer from comes from my perfectionism. Both my sister and I laugh because this seems to be a familial trait.  Flat out, I don't make mistakes. And when I do, it kills me and I turn into this self-loathing and self-doubting wanny-pants. And yes, I realize this is ridiculous, especially because I'm constantly telling my students that mistakes are how we learn. I truly expect myself to be perfect all of the time. I hate having to ask for help because I should've been able to do something on my own initially. This is definitely an area I need to work on because perfection is exhausting.

I'm also pretty sure that my perfectionism comes from a little bit of OCD. Need an example? I was in a yoga class and had to literally stop what I was doing to fix my mat because it wasn't perfectly parallel to the wall and the crookedness was preventing me from focusing on the pose. My friend will purposely move my mat during class because she knows it makes me insane. I organize my DVDs in alphabetical order and my closet is arranged by type of clothing and then in ROYGBIV order. If anything gets moved out of place, I have to fix it immediately. I know what you're all thinking, I've lost it. But in my mind, I just like to have order.

So why am I telling all of you these things? Well, if there is one thing that I learned from this book, it is that being anxious is nothing to be ashamed of and that a large number of people experience these same things too. This book led me to do some serious self-reflection as to who I really am as a person and how I will define myself. I will not be someone who is ruled by their fears, their worries, or their oppressive negative self image. The book ended by talking about how anxiety is not always a bad thing. People who are prone to anxiety are typically well-prepared, thorough workers, attentive friends, reflective, and goal-oriented. These all seem to be pretty positive traits, and ones that I would use to describe myself. I'm so glad that I picked up this book and now feel armed and ready to face whatever worries will come my way next.