The Life of an Almost 30 Year Old

Halloween has just passed and my participation in this holiday made me laugh at how things have changed. My night of festivities started with Chinese takeout, worked it's way into watching Harry Potter, and ended with a very tired and happy me in bed by 11:00. This may make me sound like a total loser, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. You see, Hot Stuff had to work that evening so I had a few options. I could 1. Go hang out with my married/pregnant/have families friends or I could 2. Go out with my friends who were undoubtedly intoxicated and out all night dressed in some ironic costume. And not that I don't love both parties, but the thought of doing either was quite unappetizing. This event has made me think of signs that you may be entering the uncharted territory of a new decade.  You might be an almost 30 year old if...

You have your married friends...and your unmarried friends.
My friend has been married for three years and is a fabulous mother to two boys. I'm not sure if I make faces or funny comments, but lately she's been asking me if I'd prefer that my friends didn't have children. My response to this is, of course not! My married friends have made me an auntie and are still the loving, wonderful people that I've known for ages, just with the bonus of husbands and babies. But can I connect to breastfeeding woes or the trials of time out? Well, let's just say that I had to ask the two year old if I was changing his diaper correctly, ("Sure," was the response). Having friends that are married with families is different because you are not doing the same things anymore, your priorities change. I know I'm not to that stage in my life, but that doesn't mean that I don't support those who are.

Now let's scoot to the unmarried friends. These are the people you can call up more spontaneously for dinner or other happenings. You go out with them on Saturday nights, watch football with them on Sundays, and have a cocktail with them at happy hour. Now while I still love these friends, the trouble is that sometimes it feels like you're ready to move past some of these activities. I really am too old to be staying up into the wee hours of the morning, sometimes the couch is better than a bar, and some of those high heels will probably cause me to have back issues. So somehow, whether I intended to or not, I'm caught in between two very different groups of people and I'm not sure if I fit with either one...yep, I'm almost 30.

Your living arrangements are changing.
About two years ago I went through this phase where I was convinced that everything in my apartment was inadequate. All of the sudden I needed a new color scheme complete with eye-catching centerpieces to tie elements together. I was tired of my apartment looking like what it was- a place where hand-me-downs went to die. When you're in your early and mid 20s, you take whatever people give you because you'd rather buy shoes. But when you're nearly 30, you have to buy things for your apartment AND shoes.

Decor is not the only thing that you may change as you near the next decade. I'll take your color scheme and raise you a Hot Stuff. That's right, I know I'm much later to this than most, but I'll be moving in with my boyfriend at the end of the year. Talk about changing your living arrangements! And get this, we're getting furniture that does not have assembly directions created by a Swedish artist! Not only that, I've taken three carloads of junk to Goodwill already and will probably do three more, simply because I think he might reconsider dating me altogether if he really knew how much shit I can put into one closet. I also doubt that he'll understand that it's okay to own this many possessions if they were purchased on clearance. The scariest part of this moving ordeal has been telling my parents. The one clear response from both of them was, "Well, it's not like you're a kid. You're almost 30, you can make your own decisions." Now my parents called me old...gross.

You're suddenly very concerned about your health and aging.
I'm proud to say that I read my Glamour magazine cover to cover every month for the past 12 years. In almost every issue there is an article about how to take care of your skin, body, mind, etc. if you're in your 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s. Reality hit me when I had to start reading the 30s column. Do you have any idea how many more things you have to do once you reach that column!?! I've added anti-aging products to my regimen because apparently now is the time to protect my skin from cracks and crevices, my body from heart disease, and my mind from chronic stress. I meditate, I started buying organic, and I have eye cream on my nightstand. Who am I?

No doubt the biggest change I've made as an almost 30 year old is that nine weeks ago I stopped eating sugar. It only takes five family members to get type 2 diabetes to scare the sweet tooth right out of you. Was it hard? No. It was f-ing horrible! But I feel better, I weigh less, and don't even crave it as much now. I guess what I'm saying is now I'm not trying to be healthy to be skinny, I'm trying to be healthy so someday I can run like the old lady on the neighboring treadmill today.

You're constantly wondering if you are in the right career.
 Oh man, I could probably write an entire thesis paper on this topic, but all I'm going to say is this:
1. My job makes me crazy and I'm trying to find a way to make it better and more rewarding both mentally and financially.
2. All signs are pointing to me continuing in this career but my mind is telling me it is ready for a change.
3. I'm thinking this might just be adulthood.
4. I don't understand how people do the same job for 30 years. Wait...I bet those people get raises and respect.
5. My teammate is the only reason I'm surviving. Oh, and sometimes my students, like when they pushed me down the hallway on a cart. I've got to find some ways to have fun, right?

Well, there you have it, the signs that you might be an almost 30 year old. Am I complaining? Not in the slightest. But hopefully there are others out there that can relate to this interesting time. Oh, and hopefully someone is planning me an epic 30th birthday bash.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

I apologize for my blogging absence! It's kind of crazy how your regularly scheduled programming changes once you have a boyfriend and school starts back up. At any rate, a few weeks ago we decided to voyage into the great unknown otherwise known as going on a vacation together. Our bags were packed and our alarm was set for our 5:45 a.m. flight to Florida for his cousin's wedding. Well, sort of.

What I do remember is hearing the alarm, rolling over, and managing to mumble, "We're going to Florida today!" What I also remember is Hot Stuff saying, "We can leave at 4:15 at the latest." Well, I rolled over and the clock was flashing 4:19. Shit.

 Long story short is we missed our flight, spent the day on standby to Dallas where we braved the ebola-filled air to miss yet another flight, got transferred to Tampa, and then rented a car to make the 2.5 hour drive to Fort Myers. Whew. At least we were able to pull over at one of the 143 Chili's located on I-75 to watch the Dodgers game, (obviously this smile is pre-loss, sigh).

Despite all the hassle, I do have to say that you learn a lot about your significant other when put in stressful situations like these. I laugh because while going through this entire day calling my mom and friends to update them of our status, everyone kept asking how Hot Stuff was handling the situation. "Things like this really tell you a lot about a person," they seemed to chant. Yeeeah...pretty sure they should've been asking how I was handling things as I was probably the person who required the most deep breaths. While talking to the gate agents I transformed into Kate McCallister a la this:

So I don't have an eight year old son that I left home alone, but I did quote that entire scene multiple times throughout the day. 

Whereas Hot Stuff got us on a flight because a gate agent fell in love with this smile.

She literally asked what type of toothpaste he used. I really didn't care what he flashed her, I just wanted on the plane. It worked. 

All in all it was a quick but fun trip. I learned to always set two alarms, to book the last flight of the night as opposed to the first flight of the morning, and that the TSA is very fast and efficient...just kidding. But what I will say is that I can officially cross missing a flight off my bucket list and thanks to the efforts of my calm and dapper comrade I lived to tell the tale.

Parental Guidance

Well, as of August 1st my birthday month officially began, and as I slowly creep towards 29, I have to admit that I've started feeling something...old. Okay, okay, so I'm not that old, but what I have noticed is something that we all fear as we are growing up. I'm going to tell a little story to illustrate this.

This is my father.

And yes, the little cutie patootie on the right is me. Anywho,when I was home for the holidays this year my dad had a sliver. He came into the kitchen and I watched him remove said sliver. He started by pouring peroxide into the cap of the bottle and dipping a needle and tweezers into the liquid to sanitize his tools. He then winced in pain as he worked to pull it out. Once the sliver was removed he poured the remaining peroxide over the wound, cleaned his tools, and all was good in the world again. This was the look that was left on my face:

At this point you're probably wondering why I'm telling you this story. Well friends, I was left with this perplexing look because this is EXACTLY how I would've handled my own sliver situation. What this small act made me realize was that I have become my parents (dun, dun, dun). I know. Scary right? 

There is an ongoing debate in psychology that is commonly referred to as nature vs. nurture. In other words, are we born with certain traits and characteristics or do we acquire them from our upbringing? Traits that I believe I have acquired via the nature path are as follows:

• Short Buddha legs- thanks Mom and Gung Gung
• Hairy legs- thanks Dad's Italian side
• Hong chin (which is a chin that looks like it just got smacked on your face, just look at all of my cousins below)- again from Mom and Gung Gung

• Curly hair- brought to you by Mom and Dad (not sure what happened in BV's DNA)
• Freckles- again from both sides of the family tree

But as I think more about my personality and beliefs, it becomes easy to see how my parent's nurturing has created the monster that is me :)

• Intellect- I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, but yes, I consider myself to be smart. I know that I owe many of study habits and my love for devouring new knowledge to my parents. Both of my parents have worked in the education field, but more important than that is they instilled in me the idea that knowledge is power and learning is important. They've taught me to be curious which is something I am truly grateful for.
• Creativity- My dad is a writer, my mom is a chef and a quilter. Therefore, my sister makes costumes for a living and I have a closet overflowing with cake decorating supplies. Not only do I love to learn, but I love to be creative and explore (much to the dismay of people that get forced to craft with me like my cousin below). Kudos Mom and Dad!

• Political beliefs- I think most everyone knows how I feel about politics. I guess I shouldn't really be surprised that your parents have an influence on your political beliefs, but my family apparently took things to the extreme because we had a teddy bear named Clinton and a stuffed beaver named Algore (all one word, mind you).
• Bargain hunting- Say what? That's not a family trait. Well, it is if you're in my family. For pretty much anything I own you can say, "Hey, I like your ________." And my response will be, "Thanks, I got it on sale for $____." I can't merely tell you that I appreciate your compliment, I must also let you know about the bargain/sale/coupon/additional percent off clearance that allowed me to purchase this product. And guess what? The whole family does it.
• Humor- I think my parents gave both my sister and I a very good sense of humor rooted around the idea that you should never take yourself too seriously. We like to have fun- to tease my Dad for his sweet dance moves and inability to whisper, and to laugh at my Mom's ridiculous charade abilities or random one liners. Our ability to laugh together is among my favorite family traits. (PS- Sorry Mom, I had to post this.)

• Sports enthusiast- Everyone knows the Pickle Family are Dodgers fans, but that's not all. Our neighbors could hear us yelling when the Utah Jazz were playing for the Championship, my Dad danced on the desks in his classroom the last time the Broncos won the Superbowl, and my mom's caller ID photo is still of her doing her best Tebow. The last time my sister was over at my apartment I watched her transform into my parents as she screamed at the Dodgers on T.V. "Are you eff-ing kidding me!?! What are you eff-ing swinging at!? That's a ball!" Yeah, Dad would've been proud. 
  

Well, what can I say? I am truly a product of my parents. But luckily, I think my parents are pretty fantastic and have instilled in me beliefs, values, and bits of personality that I am proud to say make me who I am. So the next time you see your dad taking out a sliver, or another act that reminds you frighteningly of yourself, don't worry, you're not the only one.

The Dating Games

Well, judging by the response to my last blog, a lot more people read this than I thought! And while I'm pretty sure you'd like me to cut right to how things went with Hot Stuff, I'd first like to talk a bit about my new dating theory which I have named The Dating Games. Those of you that know me well, know that I'm a big fan of analogies, therefore I've chosen to compare dating to the story of The Hunger Games. Allow me to draw some similarities between the two.

1. Dating is scary. One of the first scenes in The Hunger Games involves Katniss volunteering as tribute for her sister. When you say yes to dating someone for the first time, I feel like you sound a lot like Katniss in this scene- panicked, attempting to show bravery, nervous, and suddenly wondering why you volunteered to take off your sweatpants and go on a date instead. Like Katniss, we all instantly think, "What the eff did I just sign up for?"

2. Dating is cutthroat. The whole premise of The Hunger Games is that you have to kill people in order to win. Obviously I'm not killing people when I'm dating, but we're not exactly nice to each other either. We all play those stupid games that usually involve some sort of telephone call, (or lack thereof) or maybe being blunt and cutting someone's pride and self confidence to near nothingness. Whatever it is, feelings will get hurt and sometimes you just have to turn your head and pretend not to care. It's awful. Just as awful as it was to watch Rue die (cue mockingjay whistle).

3. Dating is competitive.  When the Games begin, there is a group of competitors called the Career Tributes. They are born and bred to compete in these games. In the dating world, they're called tall blondes. Bitches. We all bring our own combination of brains, beauty, and personality to the table when it comes to dating. I just choose to believe that my combo will conquer all of the other tributes, just like Katniss did-except she used a bow and arrow and I will use cupcakes.

4. Dating involves taking risks. I'd say the biggest risk that Katniss and Peeta take is when they decide to eat those poisonous berries to spite the Capitol. My biggest dating risk has been dating someone who I wouldn't normally date. I had this great epiphany where I discovered that my type isn't really my type, it's just what society tells me my type should be (did you get that?). To this I say, screw the Capitol, and screw society- he makes me happier than I've been in a long time.

5. Dating requires a support team. Katniss' support team involves a drunk, a chick with crazy hair, and Lenny Kravitz. My team consists of BV, Amanda, Chelsea, Abby, Laura, Allison, Di, Pam and Rachel who, in my opinion, are just as good as the representatives from District 12. One cannot survive this without their team.

6. Whilst dating, mistakes can be made. However, these mistakes can be mended. Katniss' biggest mistake is that she initially ditches Peeta who is undoubtedly her best ally- he is kind, knows how to use his strengths, and can camouflage like a Navy SEAL. Luckily she goes back to find him and together they are able to survive. My biggest mistake was having an anxiety attack on the corner of 12th and Broadway and word vomiting things about being unsure and needing time and space. I actually think I used that, "It's not you, it's me" line. Fortunately, after 48 hours, a t-chart, and some damage control it's now something to laugh about. Both Katniss and I have regrets about our mistakes and very understanding and patient male counterparts.

 7. Dating can only succeed when there are two winners. In the end of The Hunger Games, Katniss and Peeta play the roles of star-crossed lovers to help them become victors. In other words, you must work together in order for dating to work. And so it is with me and Hot Stuff. Yeah, yeah, I didn't forget to tell you about him. It's been almost a month now and things are going quite swimmingly. Like Peeta, he is the nicest guy on the planet, ever so thoughtful, and makes me feel like smiling for days. I could go on for quite some time, but I'm pretty sure he'll reading this, so I have to leave some things to the imagination. :)

As an active participant in The Dating Games, I'll just say that beginnings are always scary and it's strange getting to know someone new. It is also incredibly difficult to just let yourself fall without knowing whether things will end with the deathly boom of the cannon or the joys of a victory tour. The challenge is to embrace the unknown because it might just lead you to finding the exact things that you were looking for in the first place. And so, to my fellow tributes currently competing in harsh reality of The Dating Games, I say stay strong, and may the odds be ever in your favor.

My Month on Match

It was really only a matter of time before I caved to my friend's peer pressure. Yes, the time has finally come for me to throw my cares to the wind and join Match. Initially the idea of online dating really freaked me out, but I decided that perhaps this truly is the new way to date in the 21st century. I'm giving it a month before making any rash decisions, and lucky for you, I've decided to document my experiences (because if all else fails, at least this should make for an entertaining blog post).  Enjoy!

Day 1: Set up my profile, added some pictures and waited for the ride begin.

• 2 hours in: A "wink" from a creepy 40 year old black dude. A "like" from a 23 year old redheaded cowboy. A little Indian man that would like to meet me for drinks. Apparently need to update profile preferences to be more specific.

Day 2: A slew of emails, change of email settings, and old, fat, creepy men checking my profile. Let's just say I thought I'd draw a better crowd. As my self confidence begins to shrink, I'm starting to wonder when all of the preppy white guys get online and see my great potential.

Day 3: Watched an episode of Sex and the City tonight in which Samantha says, "You can't swing your Fendi without hitting five losers." I'd up it to more like 20. Trying to find the humor so I don't cry at the thought that this is now my new hunting grounds. Ugh, can I make it the whole month?

Day 4: My experiences today can best be summed up by TLC.
Guys be like:

I be like:

Day 5: I'm tired of getting lame responses, time to overhaul my profile. Did some Googling in hopes of finding tips on writing the best profile ever. Sent said profile to Team Mingle, aka my closest friends, to make sure it sounds like "me". Added a few different pictures. Wait.

Day 6: New profile is slight success. Men seem to be enjoying my witty banter. Ha. Member of Team Mingle's husband is out of town= the two of us attempting to write more witty banter emails.  It took us 90 minutes and a leftover chocolate bunny to write 9 sentences equating to 3 emails. Who knew it'd be this much work?

Day 7: Patiently waiting for my potential dates to respond to our cleverly crafted messages. Instead got a message from my ex-boyfriend's friend. Awesome.

Day 8-9: Decided to officially boycott for a few days. I seem to have a very love/hate relationship with this.

Day 10: Got a very nice message from a hobbit man the other day, so decided to thank him for his message even though I'm not interested in joining him at the Shire. Figured I could use the good karma. Five minutes later I got an email from a potential guy. He gave me his phone number. Hmmm...what does one do with this?

Day 11: Discuss said phone number with Team Mingle. They think he sounds nice and normal. Deep breath, I think I'm actually going to have to contact him.

Day 12: Waited until today to text the ominous phone number- don't want to seem too eager. He says, "Hi! How are you?" Have to contact Team Mingle to determine how I am. I'm pretty sure I should be better at this. Turns out texting strangers is much harder than you think it will be.

Day 13: And so the texting begins...
Me: So, what should I know about you?
Sconnie: I like to work out and I'm from Wisconsin. You?
Me: (Wow, this guy is a talker!) I just taught an epic geography lesson and today my pants are orange. I'm from Utah and I'm going to Body Pump at 4:30 if you want to join.
Sconnie: Will you be wearing the orange pants? (Ha. He might not be so bad after all).

Day 14: Witty text banter continues throughout the day, specifically jokes revolving around crack and donuts (yeah, I know I'm classy). He asks me out for coffee. Holy shit, I'm actually going to have to meet this guy. Contact Team Mingle again...what will I wear!?

Day 15: Today our text conversation consists of broken Spanish. I don't know why, though I find this very entertaining. Please, God, just let him be a normal human with good bone structure.

•  Later that day... Coffee turned into a two hour conversation. The talking was generally easy and I got over my nerves quickly. Lucky for me he was better looking in person and I know how to hold a conversation about baseball. Couldn't seem to shake the fact that if this guy was one of Snow White's dwarfs, he would definitely be Grumpy. Get this, he doesn't like The Lion King (!?!?!). I left feeling like this guy needs me to bring some joy into his life but I'm not exactly sure what I'd get out of the relationship. I'd give it a 3 out of 5.

Day 16: He hasn't called. I read He's Just Not That Into You, I know how this part works. I'm not sure that I was that into him either, but I was at least willing to put in some time to figure it out. He used the word "skered" so I'm thinking it's not really that big of a loss. Back to square one. Sigh.

Day 17: Well, Grumpy still hasn't called, but I guess if my nickname for him is Grumpy it's probably a sign that it wouldn't have worked out.

Day 18: Got a new message today from a super funny guy, (his profile reads, "I work for a creative marketing agency, which means I'm creative and I work at an agency, just like James Bond).  Apparently it's onward and upward because I already have a new date this weekend with Mr. Bond. I decide to move on ala Jay Z style:

Day 19: Continue emailing with Mr. Bond. This guy seems pretty great as he makes jokes based on historical events and I'm also pretty susceptible to his flattery. Looking forward to Sunday.

Day 20-21: One cannot search for a soul mate when they have a night of Parent Teacher Conferences.

Day 22: Got a message today from a very attractive fellow, (like had to do a double take hotness). He's a bit shorter, which isn't really a problem, it's just that this girl has an extensive heel collection that must be considered. Team Mingle had me stand next to a coworker who is the same height as Hot Stuff and it was determined that this could work. Messaged him back.

• PS- I got another message from someone named "chinky_rican". Am I the only one offended by this? Yeah just because I haven't mentioned the weirdos for a few days doesn't mean they've gone away...

Day 23: Heard back from Hot Stuff, he seems to be okay except for the fact that he is a Phillies fan. Ew. Haven't heard from Mr. Bond in a few days, starting to wonder if we are still on for our latte session.

Day 24: Have moved towards the texting stage with Hot Stuff, and height is apparently not an issue because as my mom says, "You're not exactly a giant." Right. Still no word from Mr. Bond. Part of me was worried that he was too funny, ie: not serious.  On one hand I don't care because I deserve to be chased damn it, but on the other I care because I let myself get excited. Damn it.

Day 25: Never in my life has a guy not called me back or have I been stood up...until this week. That's right, Mr. Bond happens to also be Mr. Dick. Apparently because it's online dating suddenly means that human decency doesn't apply.  You have to have emotions of steel for this. All of this searching, liking, writing, filtering, updating. I feel like no one tells you just how much time you have to put in just to get a conversation started, only to be sorely disappointed by the quality of men left in the world. It makes me feel like this:

I know what I'm looking for, I just didn't think it'd be this hard to find it.

Day 26: Received an email from Mr. Dick. That mother fucker (sorry, there is no other word that will suffice) had the audacity to claim that he was "busy" and that we should maybe still get together. Unfortunately I think I have made plans until the end of the century. Unreliability does not a relationship make. Thank goodness for Hot Stuff.

Day 27: The texting continues with Hot Stuff and it looks like we have a date. How should I say this...um, he's pretty great.

Day 28: I've started ignoring my Match profile altogether as the only person I want to talk to is Hot Stuff anyway. This guy is thoughtful (ie: sending a good morning text, aww!), funny, and we have a lot in common. I'm not excited for our date at ALL, (said me with my voice dripping in sarcasm).

Day 29: Member of Team Mingle walks into my classroom. "Girl, you can feel the happiness beaming out of your smile from over here!" Um, yeah. Maybe he's more than just pretty great.

Day 30: How can you be so attracted to someone you've never met? Our date is the day after tomorrow and I am literally sick to my stomach with nerves. Obviously the only way to make this better is to go shopping and get a manicure. I've been trying to keep myself grounded and have chanted the following phrases in my head all day:

• Please let him not suck.
• Please let him not be a tool.
• Please let him be kind.
• Please let me find my confidence.
• Please just make it to at least a second date. 

So after a month on Match how do I feel? Well I've definitely learned a few things. 1. You have to be open to things you thought you wouldn't be. Initially I was very picky and didn't respond to numerous messages and such. But to avoid feeling like you're ordering dinner rather than a date, you have to give everyone a shot. Well, almost everyone. 2. Dating is crazy. Obviously my experience is limited as my last relationship was 8 years long, but it's WAY different now. I've learned to not grow too attached, to not feel guilty if there's not a connection, and to always keep in mind what I deserve. 3. You must have unfailing confidence in who you are. Honestly, this was the hardest part for me. You have to stop seeing things as rejection, but more as a difference in preference. You have to realize that it doesn't matter how many losers contact you, because in the end, you only need one. I have spent the past year and a half putting myself back together and thinking about what it is that I want, and it finally feels like I'm wise enough not to walk into something that isn't right. So will it work out with Hot Stuff? Only time will tell, but at least I'm putting myself out there and searching for the love that I now know I deserve. Stay tuned...

My Anxious Life

I've recently been reading this book called My Age of Anxiety. I originally saw it featured in a magazine and laughed with my friend saying that we should probably both read it as we have some "issues" with anxiety. Well, my friends, I'm here to sing the praises of this book because it pretty much blew my mind. The book is a mixture of the author's personal experiences dealing with extreme anxiety, a history of the research that has been done on the topic, and a slew of stories about other people who have dealt with anxiety. I quickly learned that my experiences are nowhere near what are described in the book, but that there are reasons behind some of my nervous tendencies.  The author talks a lot about exposure therapy to help treat your anxiety, so here's my stab at it. Note: Sharing my anxiety with everyone is making me very anxious. :)

Let's start with my self-diagnosis. I have social anxiety, mainly when forced into new social situations. I think most people that know me would be surprised that I feel uncomfortable in social situations. I've always had a group of good friends and I'm very outgoing and unafraid to say my feelings...with people that I know. When meeting new people I tend to be more cautious. The irony is that I become more and more anxious as I try and cover up that I'm anxious. Obscure thoughts run through my head like, "People are judging my outfit and thinking I'm annoying," or "What can I say next to make sure the conversation doesn't go into a dull lull?" As I've gotten older, I feel like I've gotten better at calming myself down if this type of situation occurs, simply because I give less of a shit what people think. I've found that a little positive self talk goes a long way in determining which social situations truly warrant stress and anxiety.

The other type of anxiety that I suffer from comes from my perfectionism. Both my sister and I laugh because this seems to be a familial trait.  Flat out, I don't make mistakes. And when I do, it kills me and I turn into this self-loathing and self-doubting wanny-pants. And yes, I realize this is ridiculous, especially because I'm constantly telling my students that mistakes are how we learn. I truly expect myself to be perfect all of the time. I hate having to ask for help because I should've been able to do something on my own initially. This is definitely an area I need to work on because perfection is exhausting.

I'm also pretty sure that my perfectionism comes from a little bit of OCD. Need an example? I was in a yoga class and had to literally stop what I was doing to fix my mat because it wasn't perfectly parallel to the wall and the crookedness was preventing me from focusing on the pose. My friend will purposely move my mat during class because she knows it makes me insane. I organize my DVDs in alphabetical order and my closet is arranged by type of clothing and then in ROYGBIV order. If anything gets moved out of place, I have to fix it immediately. I know what you're all thinking, I've lost it. But in my mind, I just like to have order.

So why am I telling all of you these things? Well, if there is one thing that I learned from this book, it is that being anxious is nothing to be ashamed of and that a large number of people experience these same things too. This book led me to do some serious self-reflection as to who I really am as a person and how I will define myself. I will not be someone who is ruled by their fears, their worries, or their oppressive negative self image. The book ended by talking about how anxiety is not always a bad thing. People who are prone to anxiety are typically well-prepared, thorough workers, attentive friends, reflective, and goal-oriented. These all seem to be pretty positive traits, and ones that I would use to describe myself. I'm so glad that I picked up this book and now feel armed and ready to face whatever worries will come my way next.

Just a Perfect Blendship

I've been thinking about friendship a lot lately. I guess you could say that during my life-long quest to become a better human being, I've started to look at the people that I surround myself with. You see, friendship is much different when you are an adult than when you were a kid. The people you choose to maintain a relationship with must fight for space with work, significant others, family, alone time, and well...life. Therefore, it seems much easier than it used to be to "give up" on a friendship as opposed to when your interactions consisted of trading fruit snacks.

Before I start sounding too down on people, I should say that my friends are amazing. They are excellent for boosting self confidence, responding to stories in expected dramatic fashion, picking me up when I need help, and most importantly, making me laugh.
 Example 1
Me: Guess who texted me this weekend? The ex.
Group:What!?! OMG, what a loser, he obviously knows what he's missing! What did he say?!?
(I wish you could've seen their faces to understand just how funny this was.)

Example 2
Friend 1 comes out of the restroom: Do you guys just have that pair of underwear that is way too big and just sags on your butt? Then when you pull your pants on you have to like...rearrange?
Awkward pause...
Friend 2: Actually,  usually I have the opposite problem of pulling on my underwear and wondering how they got so tight and why I have so many fat rolls...

Example 3
Me: Okay, I'm going to say something now that I know I shouldn't say because it makes me a bad person, but I'm going to say it anyway, so please don't judge me.
Friend: I love when you start out stories this way!

Example 4
I get a daily dose of pins sent to me by my friend who lives far away. Even though we don't get to see each other often, she consistently makes my day. 

   

Yeah, what can I say? I've got some great friends. But anyways, my point is that I've been looking at people who I consider to be my true friends because I want to emulate the features of their friendship that I value. I know I look for people who are kind, honest, thoughtful, dependable, patient, and wonderfully sarcastic. No, I'm not writing an online dating profile, I'm talking about what I feel like we should all expect from one another. I don't think it is really that hard to be a good friend, but as I look at the people in my life I've noticed that there are quite a few that I've lost touch with. Why does this happen?
1. Their constant negativity made me negative
2. They were so involved in their own lives that I gave up trying to be a part of it (I'm being kind, really I mean they were selfish and egocentric)
3. They got in a relationship and lost all communication with the outer world
4. They yelled at me for standing up for another friend
5. They only wanted to be friends on their schedule
6. They only called me when they needed something
7. They made me feel like crap (so please stop texting me)

As I look at this list, I still feel like these are pretty legit reasons for giving up on a friendship. I also realize that at one time or another I was probably guilty of these things too. My hope is that I have learned to improve on these because I want to be remembered for the positive acts that I do in life. People think I'm crazy because I have a stockpile of birthday cards so that no one will ever feel unloved on their birthday, and I'll usually be the first to offer to you a ride, RSVP to your party, bring you ice cream because you are sad, or split the bill down the middle even if we didn't spend the same amount. I do these actions not because I want credit or because I'm secretly keeping score. I do them because I don't care about the little things like you didn't call me, or you left me out. I care about the big picture and knowing that I've created relationships that will help me through the best and worst times. My yoga teacher says we need to focus on how we will grow this spring and in what ways. My goal will be to grow new and old friendships- what will be yours?

40 Days and 40 Nights

'Tis the season for Lent! This year I've decided to give up something big...even bigger than when I gave up my 'Nsync CD in sixth grade. I've decided to have 40 days and 40 nights of no Facebook. Whoa, right? My reasoning for giving up the FB is three fold: it promotes wasting time, it's slowly ruining society, and  it will hopefully allow me to improve my relationships.

Let's start at the beginning. According to my handy dandy Facebook video, I've been a member since 2005. It's hard to deny that FB is great and valuable for many reasons. However, with the dawn of the smart phone, it seems like FB has become far too accessible. I can't even begin to tell you how much time of my day is wasted scrolling through my news feed. It's the first thing I do when I wake up and the last thing I do before I go to sleep. Why? Because I need to know what my friends are doing? Heavens no. More than anything, I think it's pure boredom causing me to log in. I had a big realization last week when I was having a less than stellar work week- the second I had the chance, I was checking my FB. It didn't matter that I still had work to do and that this was not the best use of my time, I needed an escape and FB provided me with that. Alarms started going off in my head- your escape should be a run, a friend, or usually in my case, baking something- not your news feed.

The whole wasting time piece definitely plays into my next reasoning-Facebook is changing society, and not necessarily in a good way. My friend and I recently had a conversation about how social media has given all of us a new sense of anxiety. When we look at what all of our friends are posting, what we often fail to remember is that people don't post the bad things that are happening in their life. All we see is the amazing vacation you took, your cute children, or the exciting restaurant you are trying. Our news feeds have created this false sense of reality that lead us to believe that everyone is living a happier life than us, not to mention the fact that we've all been transformed into a rather egocentric society. I love my FB friends, but truly, I do not need to know what you are doing and thinking, every second, of every day (especially when it has to do with your kid's diaper rash).

This leads me to when I do decide to post something. I'm suddenly anxious to see who will comment or like the post. I once watched my friend post a picture, then check his page every 3 minutes waiting to see if anyone had liked it. He started by thinking his picture was awesome, to wondering why no one else thought it was awesome, to contemplating deleting the picture altogether because after 10 minutes he only had 2 likes. How dare we let Facebook make us feel so doubtful of ourselves! Post your shit and be proud of it, (unless, of course, it's a political rant, in which case keep it to yourself). After 10 years of Facebook we've become a society that is obsessed- both with sharing things about ourselves and with prying into the lives of others. This is not healthy.

On to my last point- I'm hoping that taking a break from FB will lend me to improving the relationships that I have in my life. I recently saw a friend that I hadn't met up with in ages. We discussed things we had been doing, trips we'd taken, etc. and with each thing said, I noticed that we were both saying, "Oh yeah, I saw that on Facebook." So while life was happening, I got to watch it on a feed, rather than live it with my friend. That is not okay. I also went out to dinner with a group of girls last week. During said dinner, two girls had their phones out numerous times throughout the night where it was clear that they were checking their FB. Just know, that I will openly mock you for this type of behavior, because this is also not okay. If I want to know what someone is doing, I will  talk to them...what a concept. Having 500+ friends on Facebook does not mean that you are a good friend. Bringing a friend cookies when they are having a bad day means you are a good friend.

So on this Fat Tuesday, I give to you my reasoning for giving up Facebook. Perhaps you'll do the same, or maybe you'll post incessantly on my wall and await my response with baited breath. Who knows, I guess I'll see in 40 days!

Redmen are What?

I recently ventured to my home town to celebrate the holidays with my family. Little did I know that I'd be cleaning out my old bedroom and other belongings as my parents are currently on a remodeling and dejunking crusade. During the cleaning process I took a serious trip down memory lane to the years of high school. I found photos, videos (ala VHS), saved instant messenger conversations, and piles of other junk that made me both want to giggle and sometimes even cry. I didn't attend my 10 year reunion last year as I figured I pretty much still talked to anyone I'd want to see or at least saw them every once in a while on the Facebook feed, but all of this nostalgia definitely got me thinking back to the days of being a Lady Red in a little southern Utah town.

Most of my memories of high school make me seriously laugh now, which is largely due to the fact that we were a group of girls, in a small town, with nothing to do. I remember a lot of time spent driving around town and drinking vanilla Cokes from Top Spot. This now leads me to believe that gas was cheaper back then, Ja Rule and the rest of the Fast and Furious soundtrack are amazing, and we were lucky as hell that we never got in an accident. I also spent a considerable amount of time in my friend's kitchens where we would feast on bags of Marshmallow Mateys, copious amounts of Fruit by the Foot, and discuss the boys which, let's be honest, would never date us. Of course this never stopped us from giving them nicknames, (Melon being my favorite- that guy still has a GIANT head), plotting what we'd say to them during our next IM conversation, discussing who had "got on" who, and "decorating" cars of those that went above and beyond being general assholes to us with whatever was handy (Neccos, silly string, soap, you name it, we had it in our arsenal). Man, we were cool.

One of my favorite high school memories was that we would ask and answer our dates in creative ways to go to a dance. My best execution of this was for my senior homecoming where I filled my date's room with 30 giant trash bags of shredded paper followed by a sign that said, "I didn't mean to make a mess, just to tell you my answer is yes." Mean? Yes. But in my defense, he had filled my bed with Lucky Charms a week prior, (something about being lucky and charmed to go to the dance with me). Payback however, was not quite as fun, as we went horseback riding for our date and we ended up getting bucked off with my date using my face as a landing platform. Ask anyone from my class and they will remember the girl that spent homecoming with a bloody nose and looked like a swollen dinosaur complete with two black eyes for the next two weeks.

Besides breaking my nose, I love thinking back to things that seemed so terribly horrible then, because they now make me giggle at the joys of adolescence. For example:

• The day that I had to watch "The Miracle of Life" in health class surrounded by the boy's soccer team- damn you alphabetical order
• "I'm Eric's mom..."
•  Crying because a certain guy told me he had gotten valedictorian over me -he may be a lawyer now, but I still think I'm smarter than him, ha.
•  "Playing" volleyball for two years and only remembering getting nailed in the head with a ball during a game
• Breaking a giant and expensive vase after a rather vigorous game of Body Body
• Cardboard kitty
• Sadie Hawkins with Mr. Thanks for the Ride
• "Who's Jon!?!"

Yeah, I know most people will have no idea what those mean, but for those who do, amazing right?

During my visit I decided to do my run at my high school's track. With each lap I thought, "Wow, this still kills me as much as it did when I was 15," at which point I promptly twisted my ankle. How's that for irony?  Well, I didn't die after my run, nor did I due to the low points that can occur during high school. Despite the struggles of adolescence and that constant feeling that my little world was falling down because of a bad grade or a bleached hair guy (apparently that was big in the millennium), I think I came out pretty fabulous.  What I wish most of all is that I could go back in time and tell myself, and all of my friends that we are sweet, intelligent, caring, and beautiful people and to have more confidence in who we are. That all of those negative thoughts about yourself are moments wasted. That those girls who are mean in high school are still bitches and you will give them so little thought in the future that you can't remember their names. That those guys that didn't call you when you were 17 will still not call you when you are 28, but by then you'll be smart enough to know better. Usually. And that you should start waxing your eyebrows much, much sooner. There is no amount of money in the world that you could pay me to relive high school, but I'm a firm believer that every experience in your life has a purpose-so have no regrets and never throw away your yearbooks. Class of '03 woot woot!