The Beehive State

I think it’s funny when people ask me what it was like to grow up in Utah. It’s not like I have some accent or passport to give my birthplace away, but suddenly it will come up in conversation and people automatically look at you with this sense of shock and awe…a survivor. Yes, growing up in Utah seems to be very different than any of my fellow friend’s lives. Of course, many of the strange but true things that have happened to me in my childhood came from a certain religious group, but this is not meant to be a bash on them, rather a few highlights about what life in a small foreign town is like. Among my favorite childhood beehive state memories are:

• Deer Hunt Holiday- That’s right friends, we actually get school off to go hunt and kill Bambi. Then we will celebrate by riding four wheelers and/or horses around the mountain cabin. (Note that this is what their families do, we went on vacay.) 
•   People in southern Utah speak a peculiar dialect of English. It causes them to say thinks like “crick” as in, “We went swimming in the crick.” Also “frick” as in, “What the frick?” It’s not quite a southern drawl, but enough to make you question vowel sounds. 
• If you live in Utah, you drive a truck. One time I walked three blocks and counted 60 trucks. I shit you not. If you were really cool, you’d park your truck on top of a 4 foot pile of snow. Oh, and leave your keys in the car but still be shocked when the truck gets stolen.
• Square hair- I’m not quite sure how to describe this, but girls from Utah can actually tease their hair into this square shape with rounded corners. I felt then, and still do, that this is the most awful thing that a person can do to their head. Indeed, all hair seems to defy gravity in Utah- maybe it’s the altitude? 
• Okay, I’m sorry but I can’t mention growing up in Utah without mentioning Mormons. As a “non-member” you must be fluent in Mormon speak. This includes everything from: ward (crazy house?), stake (dinner or vampire?), elder (berry pie?), mission (to mars?), temple (of doom?), and sacrament (I’ve got nothing for this one). Memorize these because although you have your own set of religious beliefs and don’t give a flying fig about theirs, they will leave you out in the dust if you don’t.

Ah Utah. My memories of your small town ways will always make me smile…and thank the lord that I’ve moved.  Except I really do miss the fry sauce…

Supermarket Smile

Today I had my day made by the people working at the grocery store. Shocking right? Usually when you go to the grocery store after work it’s like a scene out of War of the Worlds. First, you must conquer the parking lot. This involves keeping a keen eye out for reverse lights, idiots with runaway carts, and abrupt stops for those who don’t know what a crosswalk is. Then you must battle the carts and hoards of people inside. Damn it if you could remember which aisle the nuts were on so you didn’t have to do a second time around the store! Finally you must stand in the mile long checkout line where  you are asked, “Paper or plastic?” And must politely reply, “Those cloth bags that you just threw are mine.” Then they ask you, “Are these your coupons?” And again you must politely reply, “Yes, I was the only one who put that stack in my cart.” Finally you get to leave, much poorer, and with about 2 bags of actual food.

However today, was different. The parking lot was empty and I was even able to pull into a spot…whoa. Then each worker greeted me politely and we had a quick chat about our days. You wouldn’t believe it, but actually having a polite conversation with someone can make you feel quite chipper. Finally, the bakery man said with a smile “I’ll see you next week!” I happily walked away with carrot cake in hand (don’t ask why me and the bakery man know each other, and by the way the carrot cake was a Mardi Gras treat). This 20 minute experience has prompted me to be more patient and friendly at the store. It’s amazing how you feel when someone is nice to you, and how good it makes you feel to have them feel valued as well. Genuine people are like a lost race, and I mean to fix that. Oh, and to only go the grocery store during the day. Now to the carrot cake…

Valentine's Hangover

I went to the grocery store today and saw the remnants of a Valentine’s Day hangover. For 75% off you could get anything from chalky candy hearts to a giant dog with heart shaped paws. As I looked at the giant pile of pink and red junk, I had to wonder…who buys this crap in the first place? Also, who buys this for 75% off? Do you eat it or save it for next year? Weird. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of all holidays, especially ones that have color requirements, however I can’t help but feel like commercialism is killing the love buzz.  Companies make things like chocolate shaped roses and candy boxes shaped like frogs, and you feel like the bad significant other when you forgot to get your special someone something that they never wanted in the first place. Then in order to make the day complete you’re required to fight hoards of people in order to eat a heart shaped dinner just in time to get shoved out the door for the next swooning couple.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I honestly think that holidays have gotten blown way out of proportion.  We should be telling people how much we love them every day, not just with roses and chocolates. Save your sweetheart from something that will inevitably end up either on their waistline or at Goodwill and just give them a kiss instead!

Eew! Don't eat that!

I really enjoy cleaning out my boyfriend’s fridge. This may sound odd, but I’m a bit of a neat freak and find solace in making a jam-packed fridge turn shiny and organized. While I am cleaning, I’m always looking at expiration dates, and sometimes what I read is rather alarming. How is it that you can keep tortilla shells for two months? Doesn’t that seem ridiculously long for something that you want nice and fresh? How are we putting this shit in our bodies that won’t rot as long as it’s refrigerated for months at a time? Take a look in your fridge and look at how long you can keep the following:

•     Egg substitute- supposedly healthier for you than the actual egg and lowers your cholesterol...and you can eat it for three months after you buy it! Eew.
• Shredded cheese- the block cheese goes moldy, but as for the shredded kind in the bag, toss that on your tacos for about four months without worrying. Eew.
• Bread- when I say bread I don’t mean like from the bakery. I mean like the stuff shipped from the bakery and sitting in my bread box for three weeks before things start to change color. Eew.
•   Barbeque sauce, and for that matter any condiment stuck in the door- Who knew these things actually had an expiration date? I recently found a bottle of bbq sauce in the fridge that expired in the summer of 2010…whoops. Eew.
• Coffee creamer- I constantly check this in fear that the creamer has gone bad and will cause chunks in my coffee (yes, this terror happened to me as a child with a milk carton at school. Chocolate milk in a carton will never be the same for me.) Never fear, this concoction takes a good couple of months to spoil. Eew.

The conclusion that I’ve come to is this junk cannot be good for us. I’ve never been one to be all about the organic or natural, probably because I live on a teacher’s salary and enjoy most food no matter if it was fed pure grains or saturated in mineral water.  However, my cleaning has led me to believe that no matter how pasteurized or aged these things are, it is just not normal. Oh yeah, and will someone tell my mom that it’s also not normal to eat things past the expiration date.

Another dimension...

I’ve been hearing a student of mine discuss his excitement for the new Star Wars 3D movie for about a week now. Each day he updates me of the countdown and how he is so excited to go with his dad to see his very favorite movies in 3D. Naturally, after the weekend I asked him how it was to experience Darth’s light saber come flying at your head. My student very matter-of-factly told me that “The movie was lame. Nothing flew at your head because these movies were not intended to have footage shot for a 3D experience.” Yes, I know, what a smart little guy, I am his teacher you know… At any rate, I thought this fellow brought up a great point. Why is it that every new movie that comes out has to be in 3D? I think that 3D movies are often overrated for the following reasons:

1.       They cost more…movies already are getting to be outrageously priced. Don’t most of us just microwave some Jiffy Pop and wait for it on Netflix?

2.       Things don’t fly at you as often as they used to. Case in point- Toy Story 3. Buzz already looks pretty 3D to me, and nothing flew at me, so why do I have to wear these glasses for 2 hours?

3.       The glasses never fit your head. I mean really, does anyone feel that they can clearly see with ease when they wear them? The only fun thing about the glasses is when you’re in the theatre’s lobby you walk around with your arms outstretched saying “Wow, it’s like we’re in 3D!” Gets a great reaction every time.

4.       The latest commercial I saw was for a 3D movie with all these old, hulky men including Rocky Stalone, Arnold the Cheater, and Nicholas I’ve Lost My Mind Cage. Who wants to see that in 2D let alone another dimension?

5.       Finally, we live in 3D. Why would I want to see something that I live in?

Now don’t get me wrong, I am super pumped to see Titanic is hitting the big screen again in 3D, but that’s different because Leo’s in it. My advice for Hollywood still remains that we want to see good movies, and 3D doesn’t always mean good.

Expelliarmus!

I am fabulous and I love Harry Potter. That’s right, I said it, and no I am not ashamed. There are some that may think that Harry Potter is just a series of books made for small children, and I have one word for these people- wrong. Now I know that I’m addicted and that I have a bias, but I swear, Harry Potter offers lessons that will help you in live a more fruitful life. They are as follows:

1.       Good always wins. I saw a bumper sticker that reinforced this. It said “Voldemort votes Republican.” ‘Nuff said.

2.       Friends help you get through life. What would Harry have done without Hermione and her trusty knowledge of spells and little purse full of magic (a bag so fab even Coach couldn't make it)? Or Ron with his quick wit and “bloody ‘ell’s”? Harry simply couldn’t have survived.

3.       Old people are wise. Professor Dumbledore said perhaps the wisest thing I have ever heard, “Just because it’s in your head Harry, doesn’t mean it isn’t real.” That is good shit my friends, think about it, it’s Yoda-good.

4.       Everything sounds better with a British accent. You may not think this is a life lesson, but see how much better people listen when you have an accent. I practice mine while pretending to cast spells. Try saying “Wingardium Leviosa” without an accent, it’s just plum silly.

5.       Even when the odds are stacked against you, if you believe you can succeed. Harry proves this in many ways throughout the seven miraculous books. This is a kid who has no parents, a jerk of an uncle that makes him live under the stairs (a closet which I fully intend on putting in my own house someday as a possible HP shrine), an all-powerful evil wizard trying to kill him, and a tool named Draco always causing him grief. All this doesn’t matter however, because Harry is a bad ass and he believes.

While I could go on for hours, I think people may stop reading my pro-wizard rant. I will just end by sayings that if you haven’t read the books, get on that bandwagon.  If you, like me, cried when the saga was over, be sure to pass on this great love on to anyone that will listen.

Road Rage

I have an extremely long commute, however this time is often spent participating in my favorite pastime- people watching. Have you ever really watched the people that are traveling alongside you? It’s actually quite entertaining. You see, people are crazy when they drive.

First, you get your people who are obviously super important and can’t seem to get around you fast enough.  I experienced this person the other day when I stopped at red light and the car behind me honked because I didn’t run the light. Of course this prompted me to throw my hands up in exasperation and give a “Can I help you beeyatch?” look in my rear view mirror. She seemed unfazed as she continued to talk on her cell phone (cue rolling eyes here). This car blew by me as we continued down the street, but that’s okay because the speed trap van was waiting (insert evil laugh here).

Next, you get the drivers who have nowhere to go but your blind spot. This makes you want to roll down your window and shout things like, “Hey are you trying to race or something? Because this is Grease Lightning!” or “Yeah, it’s a Prius, pretty BA right?” I mean really, didn’t your driver’s ed teacher tell you that’s a no-no?  Shockingly these people always seem to be the ones on their cell phones (again with the eye rolling).

The final person you should look out for on your next drive to work is the slow poke. I know, I know, we all hate the grandpa drivers, but what you should really notice is that many times they are not grandpas at all. These drivers send you into an irrational rage where you want to do nothing but honk your horn and flash your lights as you weave in and out of lanes trying to get around them (of course I never drive like this).  If you take a second to notice though, you’ll see that these people are actually super cool and are usually doing one or more of the following: smoking, on the phone, playing with the radio, or on the phone.  I suggest giving them a polite toot toot and then going about your merry way.

So friends, the next time you’re sitting in traffic, take a look around and notice just how entertaining others can be… and for the love of Tim Tebow, stop using your phone while driving.