Learning to Grieve Again

Recent experiences in my life have led me to think about grief. Over the past year I have grieved the loss of a relationship, a friend's loss, and the loss of my grandfather. What I don’t think any of us can understand is why grief is so hard to deal with. It can literally make you feel a sadness that is so deep inside of you that you feel like it may drown you (similar to how this scene of Up gets me EVERY time).  Equally hard to understand is how long it will take you to heal, while also realizing that you may never be the same. I often reference “those stage things” and so I thought I’d do a bit more research into them. 

You may remember from your Psych 101 class that there are supposedly 5 stages of grief. They are as follows:

Denial: For me this is always the first stage. When someone tells me something horrible, I’m automatically thinking they’re lying or telling a joke... then again, who lies about that kind of stuff!? If you ask me, this comes from shock, a fight or flight type of ordeal. Even though I knew my grandpa was sick, I still couldn’t register that he was really gone.

Anger: This is a pretty easy stage to get stuck in. Whenever something happens that we can’t explain it typically turns into anger. Why did you have to leave me? Why is this so bleepity hard? Why do people keep consoling me with asinine comments?Why did this have to happen to me? You can literally circle around these questions over and over again until you're dizzy with frustration and anger.

Bargaining: This stage is a little tricky for me. As an Asian, I am naturally good at bargaining ie: Can I get this cheaper? However this type of bargaining is a bit more of the "What If?" nature. What if I had done _______? I promise next time I'll make sure to ________.  You know you're done with this stage only when you are able to understand that there is nothing that you could've done to prevent this loss, and that no amount of pleading can change the past.

Depression: I'm a pretty big sucker for this stage as well since I'm naturally someone who enjoys rehearsing memories in mind. The only issue is that it is these memories that often trigger an onset of tears, sadness, and just plain missing whatever you've lost. I've earned myself the nickname of "The Wet Blanket" in my family because all it takes is a picture of my beloved dog Snoopy or the card from my PoPo and Gung Gung on my fridge to set the tears in motion. In my defense, sometimes it is okay to just be sad. Oh, and your aunt shouldn't tell you not to cry, some of us didn't inherit the Chinese nerves of steel (I can say that because I know she doesn't read my blog) :)

Acceptance: Now in my very humble opinion, this is the very hardest stage to reach because your head must wrap around all of the ideas in your heart to help you understand that loss will eventually touch your life. This is not simply "getting over" something or "moving on" but letting the loss become a part of you as a positive light. Ugh, I know, easier said than done.

So there is your review of the grieving process. There is no order and no time limit, but in my mind the best cure is family, friends, and of course cookies. Don't lose hope, and remember that all you need is love! <3

Find Your Inner Yogi

I set off to explore my inner self again this weekend, as I partook in something I’ve been avoiding lately- a hot yoga class. Now before all you yogis get too excited, know that I’m a big fan of yoga, I just don’t see a need to perform it in a room that feels like the Sahara. I’ve been practicing for almost ten years and find the exercises calming and beneficial. But as I sat in preparation for my class, I couldn’t help but find the humor in the room. I felt that newbies would probably need a guide to hot yoga, so I’ve created one below. A special shout out to http://www.abc-of-yoga.com for their excellent yoga pictures.

1.      Upon entering the yoga studio, you immediately scoff as the 98% humidity enters your lungs, accompanied by the whoosh of 99°. I recommend showing up a smidge early to acclimate to this hellish environment that will surround you for the next 60 minutes.

2.      Depending on the studio, your class might get packed pretty tightly. Place your mat in a spot that says, “Please don’t sit by me,” because soon your body will be dripping sweat and you don’t want to get splattered. “Is it this gross?” you’re thinking, and the answer is yes, it is. Your instructor might begin by telling you to find your third eye- just smile, hold your hands in a prayer pose, and nod knowingly. You still get a good workout even if you can’t find your connection to Mother Earth.

3.      Class will begin with a series of poses and vin-yah-sahs (I like to think of creative sanskrit spellings). Everything is going great- you are stretching, balancing, and breathing! Yoga is based a lot on breathing, which is the hardest part for me. First, whenever they are chanting, “Inhale…Exhale…Inhale…” I’m always doing the opposite. Then I start hyperventilating trying to get caught up- like the heat wasn’t making light headed enough. Sometimes they make you do ooo-jah-eee breathing where you have to make this weird loud noise. I literally cannot make myself do this, it’s just silly and I don’t buy into the praise the instructor gives those who do it really loud.

4.      After about 20 minutes the heat really starts to get to you. You are attempting to do poses like Warrior I:

But the real workout is coming from trying not to slip on your sweaty feet. Then they try and get you into Crow:

At which point you’re like, “Wow, I never knew my knees and elbows could sweat until I tried to hold this pose.” Then, when you’re all “warmed up” and pliable they make you do Plow:

Which feels more to me like choking on your boobs. All hopes of ooo-jah-ee are gone.

5.      So now you’re pretty much melting and wondering what time it is. You glance to your side and notice that the shirtless man next to you is literally dripping all over the place with sweat. Then the instructor says, “Are you hot? Just blow out the heat with your breathing.” If you slapped them right then it would really mess with the chi of the room, so just towel off and get a drink of your now hot water.

6.      Finally comes the best part of class- final sa-vah-sa-nah. You get to lay down and tell yourself positive affirmations. If you’re lucky you’ll get a nice cool, scented towel from your instructor. Try to enjoy the position before you run out to take that first sip of fresh air. There is literally nothing better than the feeling of that first breath after class. And now, you’ve done it! Go forth and spread your Namaste-ness. 

Guilt.

As I went to my freezer for another dose of Ben and Jerry’s American Dream, I opened the lid to find that a mysterious amount of the delectable ice cream was gone. “What!?!” I thought. “Who ate my ice cream?” Suddenly, I remembered that I live alone, meaning that I was the one who had eaten said ice cream. As I stared at the silky swirls of caramel that familiar feeling began to sink into my stomach. Guilt.  I made a face very similar to this:

Guilt is a funny thing, and I think that we often feel it more than we realize. There are many types of guilt, for example:

·         I shouldn’t have eaten that guilt

·         I’m a bad friend guilt

·         My family will be mad guilt

·         I was just mean guilt

·         I shouldn’t have bought that guilt

·         It’s all my fault guilt

·         I wasn’t supposed to be doing that guilt

As many of you know, it was my New Year’s resolution to not judge others as I feel this is a very bad trait of mine. What I’ve found is that when I do judge people, ie: the stinky hippie next to me on the elliptical today, I instantly feel bad that I scrunched up my nose when he got next to me. I don’t know this guy.  Maybe he has an allergy to soap? Mad respect for making it to the gym on a Saturday morning is more along the lines of what I should be saying to this guy. I’m guilty.

The trouble with feeling guilty is that often there is little you can do but move on and try to make a better choice next time. I think of my students when I say, “Was that a good choice or a poor choice?”  I’ll try to remember this quote the next time I’m feeling bad, and hopefully be ready to move on: